A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
5/28/08
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO ZEP
After he left Van Halen, Sammy Hagar popped up in a whole bunch of different groups - The Waboritas, Planet Us, Los Tres Gusanos, and The Other Half (at Bone Bash IX on August 2nd, he'll be rockin' with The Wabo's).
I first got wind of his latest side project, Chickenfoot, last year. Then Joe Satriani confirmed the collaboration two months ago when he dropped by The Bone to premiere his new album.
Along with Hagar and Satriani, Chickenfoot features Michael Anthony on bass and Chad Smith from the Red Hot Chili Peppers on drums.
"We've written eight, nine songs. We just got to go in the studio Sept. 1," Hagar said.
"When people hear the music, it's Led Zeppelin. It's as good as that. I know that's a mighty bold statement ... We could rival Zep."
5/23/08
LIVIN' ON THE EDGE NO MORE?
Apparently Steven Tyler of Aerosmith has entered rehab for unspecified substance abuse. This is a guy who was a major abuser (as were the rest of the guys in Aerosmith too) back in the day, but reportedly has been drug-free for some 20 years.
The way we hear it, Steven Tyler, now 60, signed himself into Las Encinas Hospital in Pasadena - the site of VH1's Celebrity Rehab, seeking out the help of Dr. Drew Pinsky, drug counselor-to-the-stars, and star himself of the Loveline radio show.
Friends of Steven are blaming his split from his wife of many years and his rocky two-year relationship with girlfriend Erin Brady for his relapse into substance abuse.
Others surmise that the legendary lead singer's poor health over the past few years may have led to a dependence on painkillers.
Anyway, the rehab clinic where Tyler will detox is the same facility where Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss and pop star Aaron Carter will be treated as they make a public attempt at sobriety on VH1's Celebrity Rehab next month.
5/20/08
AND THE CRADLE STILL ROCKS
With six shows to go on the Van Halen tour, young Wolfgang Van Halen, Michael Anthony's replacement on bass, says he now believes that the fans have come to accept him in the group. "They accept me as a bandmember, I'm not just Eddie Van Halen's kid."
17-year-old Wolfie says that during his first few shows, he felt there was an uneasy truce between him and fans of Michael Anthony. "It isn't easy," he says. "If I look really serious onstage, it isn't a front, I'm really concentrating."
"Backstage, people are always giving me pointers, but I'm really trying to make it up on my own, walk my own path. I know I'm young, but I feel like an equal to most of the people I meet."
5/19/08
TRAIN KEEPS A ROLLIN'
Joey Kramer, Aerosmith's longtime drummer and the guy who gave the band it's name reports that the next Aerosmith album could be released around the end of 2008. "We'll be working on it this summer," the drummer ttold our deeply placed mole in the music biz. "It'll be out maybe Christmas, January, something like that."
For now, though, Joey says the band is taking it easy. "There's probably gonna be another two or three months before we actually do anything," he admits.
Little known fact - one of Kramer's ex-girlfriends is the mother of Rob Bourdon, the drummer of Linkin Park, who went to his first Aerosmith concert at the age of ten.
5/16/8
STAY COOL THIS WEEKEND
5/15/08
COVERDALE BLEEPED......TWICE!
Whitesnake's David Coverdale insists that he was misquoted with regard to a recent report in which he appeared to suggest that he was expecting his band to be asked to support Led Zeppelin on an as-yet-unconfirmed world tour. "What f**king world tour, we ask ourselves?" sez Coverdale. "I have no idea where this started . . . I assure you there is no . . . foundation in this."
Why then, earlier in the week, was Coverdale quoted as saying: "I'm expecting a call from Jimmy any day asking my band Whitesnake to support them on their world tour. Am I on board? You bet. Probably worth billions."?
David Coverdale, no stranger to a good old fashioned publicity stunt, whines away in full good cop/bad cop mode: "May I call upon your assistance, if needed, ol' cock, to help put out this sh**storm that be gathering steam about me supposedly saying I'm awaiting Lord Page's call to invite me to be the supporting act on the forthcoming Led Zeppelin world tour."
Besides, Robert Plant and David Coverdale can't stand each other. That, and does Zeppelin even need an opening act?
5/13/08
LET ME TAKE YOU HOME TO MYSPACE
Journey found their new singer on YouTube, and now we're getting word that Boston has found their new singer on MySpace!
What's more, the guy has been working at Home Depot in Charlotte, North Carolina.
It was a little over a year ago that Boston's long time lead singer, Brad Delp, took his own life. It's been a year of major turmoil for founder Tom Scholz and everyone involved, but now they've got their singer, 43 year old Tommy DeCarlo.
The crazy part is, this guy has never been in a band. DeCarlo had simply put up a version of himself singing Boston songs in tribute to Brad Delp on his MySpace page, when a fan suggested he send it to the band's management.
He said, "I never could have dreamed this, that first gig is going to be something." That first gig will be on June 6th in Canada, but we'll get a chance to check them out on July 8th as they're doing a big Bone show at the Mountain Winery in Saratoga.
5/12/08
THE SPIDER AND THE DAMAGE DONE
The spider is a predatory animal, and now there's another species to add
to the gene pool. Just discovered by an East Carolina University biology
professor is a new species of trapdoor spider, the Myrmekiaphila
Neilyoungi.
Neilyoungi? You mean, as in Neil Young, long time bay area rock star?
Exactly.
Jason Bond, an ECU professor of biology, has named his newly discovered trapdoor spider, Myrmekiaphila Neilyoungi, after the legendary rock
star himself.
Explaining his reason, Bond said, "I really enjoy his music and have had a great appreciation of him as an activist for peace and justice."
I caught you knockin' at my cellar door
-Neil Young, 1972
5/8/08
IN FACT, IT'S A GAS!
5/7/08
THIS BLU-RAY'S FOR YOU
A couple of items below this one, we mentioned that Neil Young would be making an appearance at the JavaOne Conference at Moscone Center here in the city. He did, in dark sunglasses and Sharks cap, yesterday, to announce that he will release 45 years of his music, art, photos, and videos on Blu-ray discs.
"I am kind of a pack rat," he said, adding that over the years he's accumulated a lot of unreleased material. "I only give the record company what I want people to hear at the time. Putting it all together tells a much different story than just what has been produced (for public consumption)."
Apparently there will be five volumes, the first of which, a 10-disc Blu-ray set containing a chronological collection of of 128 songs, 500 photos, as well as letters, manuscripts and other stuff, will be released in July.
"This is all ancient history up close," he joked.
5/6/08
TEN CHEAP SHOTS AT NO ONE IN PARTICULAR
1. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
2. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs
3. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
4. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
5. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
6. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
8. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
9. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
5/5/08
KEEP ON OPEN-SOURCING IN THE FREE WORLD
Somewhere in the neighborhood of 15,000 people are expected to drop by this year's JavaOne computer-programming conference this week at Moscone Center, just a block from the Bone studios in San Francisco.
Many of them will be on hand for the opening keynote address tomorrow where that highly esteemed computer geek, Neil Young, will make an appearance. Neil will join executives from Sun Microsystems to help demonstrate a new multimedia music project.
That project would be in addition to the 5.5 billion devices that Java already powers - mobile phones, smart cards, Blu-ray players, set-top boxes, PCs, GPS systems and more.
BTW, the JavaOne conference offers a free CommunityOne event today, open to the public. There's supposed to be a webcast of tomorrow's keynote session with Neil Young here.
5/2/08
NO MORE STANDING IN LINES TO BARS YOU'LL NEVER GET IN
Another DUI conviction. Yesterday, it was Scott Weiland (see below) of Stone Temple Pilots. Today, it's Chad Kroeger of Nickelback. Weiland will do 8 days in the pokey, Kroeger loses his license for a year.
"I don't think you should [drink and drive]," Kroeger told reporters after the hearing which also cost him a whopping $588 in fines. "Everybody makes mistakes."
The car was a red Lamborghini. The blood alcohol level was .14.
5/1/08
BIG EMPTY IN THE BIG HOUSE
According to our careful calculations, STP singer Scott Weiland has two weeks and two days to serve an eight day DUI sentence before his band takes to the road for the Stone Temple Pilots reunion tour.
Whew...that was close. He could have gotten a year behind bars for a prior DUI conviction. At the time of his November 2007 arrest on a Los Angeles freeway on-ramp, Weiland had just finished a previous three-year-probation for a 2004 bust.
The embattled singer also received four years’ probation, was fined $2,000, and was ordered to take part in an 18-month alcohol program.
Tonight, catch Mr. Weiland on Jimmy Kimmel Live! for STP's first public performance since getting back together.
