3-12-10
WHAT'S YOUR SIGN......WORTH?
Everybody knows that the bigger your bank account, the better your chance of getting laid.
Now there's a Canadian company called Customreceipts.com where they "Print the finest fake ATM receipts available, with your custom information on them."
They even give advice on how to, you know, close the deal. "Trying to impress that hottie at the bar? Money talks. Hand out your number on the back of one of our fake ATM receipts. They’re a players dream come true."
Abother word of advice on your fake ATM reciept, "Choose more realistic balances – $70,000 to $300,000 work best, though some people like to pretend they’re millionaires."
Exactly.
You'd be outed in a heartbeat the moment she gets a look at your '89 Corolla.
3-11-10
LOST BOY
Corey Haim, the teenage star of the 1987 cult hit The Lost Boys, which was filmed in Santa Cruz, died yesterday at the age of 38. The LA Times reported that he probably OD'd on prescription drugs.
Even more tragic is the fact that Corey was approached recently by VH1's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew to appear on the show.
When the producers called, they said he was "extremely defensive and insulted, saying, 'It's the last show I'd ever do.'"
Apparently the conversation ended with Corey Haim saying, "I do not need help."
Exit light. Enter night.
3-10-10
THE NUMBER OF THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR!
I really want to thank Bruce Dickinson and all the guys in Iron Maiden for consulting with me about the routing of their upcoming "The Final Frontier" World Tour and inevitably agreeing to play a concert here in the Bay Area on my birthday as a very special Maiden birthday present to the Weedman.
No really, guys.....thank you so much.
So clear your calendar for Sunday June 20th, Eddie the 'Edd will be accompanying Iron Maiden with Dream Theatre opening at Sleep Train Pavillion, Concord.
Also on the way this summer, look for the Maidens' 15th studio album to appear with a rather foreboding and somewhat ominous title of The Final Frontier.
Could this be an announcement of the end for Iron Maiden?
Woe to you O earth and sea for the Devil sends the beast with wrath because he knows the time is short
-Book of Revelations, Chapter 12, Verse 12
3-9-10
STOP IN THE NAME OF WOOD
Ron Wood of the Rolling Stones can't stop himself. From drinking or from getting married.
Ronnie, 62, is reportedly planning to marry his 30-year-old girlfriend Ana Araujo this summer.
But wait. What about the Russian cocktail waitress, Ekaterina Ivanova, variously reported to be between 18 and 21 years old at the time, whom he left his wife for in '08?
She, who after they split up following a domestic violence incident involving the police, asserted that at his worst Ronnie drunk up to a quart of booze a day, took cocaine and chained smoked up to 50 cigarettes.
And she wants him back.
Apparently the Roving Stone guitarist was actually involved in a love triangle involving not only the lovely Ms. Ivanova but the even more lovely Ms. Araujo as well.
My London spy says, "Ronnie now thinks Ana could be the woman to make a life with. She's such a positive influence on him and they've very relaxed in each other's company. They're happy enjoying the simple things in life like staying in, making meals and watching films.
"He couldn't be happier and there's already talk of them getting married as early as this summer."
Of course she's marrying for love. It has nothing to do with having more money than she could spend in her lifetime.
Somebody stop this guy!
Some girls take my money, some girls take my clothes
Some girls get the shirt off my back, and leave me with a lethal dose
-Jagger/Richards, 1978
3-8-10
HEY YOU......THE WALL IS BACK UP
The current juicy internet rumor concerning Pink Floyd is that Roger Waters is gearing up for a 2010 tour of The Wall.
“We are doing the sums for a full scale tour,” he told MOJO magazine.
It was 30 years ago that The Wall was released and it is 19 years since he has ever performed it – the last time being when the Berlin Wall came down.
Hugely successful from the start, The Wall was the best selling album of 1980 in the US. It is one of the best-selling double albums of all time, although I've always said it should have been half the length.
Recently my friend and sometimes PF hater, Ishkur, told me that The Wall "is a bloated, turgid piece of crap," claiming that "It hasn't aged well," while adding a final beat down, "One-half dimestore psychology, the other half whiny narcissism, the Wall was a championship opus in self-absorption."
I'm only going if David Gilmour shows up.
Open your heart, I'm coming home.
- Roger Waters, 1980
3-5-10
SLIDE THAT SLIPSTICK IN
Happy Birthday to the great English mathematician/inventor, William Oughtred, born on this date in that historic year of 1574.
At the age of 48 Mr. Oughtred, with an interest in the occult and a skepticism of astrology, became the inventor of the most commonly used calculation tool in science and engineering, the slide rule.
Also known on the street as a "slipstick", the slide rule is a mechanical analog computer which, until the advent of the pocket calculator, was a necessary accessory for any self-respecting mathematician who didn't want to spend days on end figuring out their roots and logarithms and trigonometry and stuff.
I'm gonna slide it in
Right to the top
-David Coverdale, 1984
3-4-10
WARRANT ISSUED FOR WARRANT SINGER
Jani Lane, former lead singer for Warrant and the man responsible for the song Cherry Pie, has now missed two court appearances and the judge would like to have a word with him.
If you're wondering what warranted the Warrant warrant, it was all connected to his 2009 DUI conviction where Mr. Lane allegedly hit a parked car in Los Angeles, refused to take a sobriety test, was charged with driving under the influence and hit-and-run and pleaded no contest.
He was due to serve 36 months probation, complete 3 months of alcohol education classes and perform 30 days of Caltrans road work.
Btw, Jani Lane's real name is John Kennedy Oswald. Really.
His parents changed it to "John Patrick Oswald" after getting complaints, but his birth certificate still states his original name.
John Kennedy Oswald, please report to work at Caltrans immediately.
3-3-10
STRAT HEAVEN
At age 7, Stevie Ray Vaughan acquired his first guitar, a Sears toy guitar with only three strings.
He got his first electric guitar, a hand-me-down from his older brother, Jimmie Vaughan.
In March 1974, Stevie Ray found a battered and beat-up 1963 Fender Stratocaster at a music store in Austin.
It would remain his favorite guitar for the rest of his life.
He dubbed it Number One.
Two years after he was killed in a helicopter crash, Stevie Ray Vaughan earned a Grammy for Best Rock Instrumental Performance for Little Wing, a Jimi Hendrix classic.
To watch an absolutely spectacular video of Stevie Ray performing Little Wing (as an instrumental), click on my Video of the Day, above.
SILVER
11/1/91 - 3/1/10
3-1-10
THAT ANNOYING WOMAN IN YOUR GPS MACHINE IDENTIFIED
And she's a smokin' hot blonde woman from Australia.
Karen Jacobsen, the world's most notorious back seat driver, has been identified as the voice of worldwide Global Positioning Systems.
All of a sudden I feel a little embarrassed seeing the person I've sworn at so many times after she keeps insisting that I "Please drive to highlighted route!"
Back in 2002, Ms Jacobsen, who lives in New York, got an offer for a voiceover job, with some very specific qualifications.
''They were looking for a native Australian, female voiceover artist living in the north east of the United States,'' she said.
''I went along with the audition and got the job on the spot and before I knew it I was recording over 50 hours of script to create this voice system that has ended up in millions of cars all around the world.''
I always thought she was a bit demanding when she barked out her orders, but now that I've seen what a babe she is, I'm rethinking my relationship with her.
Never mind that she seems to show a bit of disappointment in me when she says "Recalculating Route."
Thank you, Karen Jacobsen. You make me want to be a better person.
-XOXO
p.s. - That's her singing the National Anthem at a Red Sox game on my Video of the Day, above.
2-26-10
AEROSMITH SINGER AUDITIONS GOING WELL.....THEY FOUND SOMEBODY!
“I just auditioned and I got the gig," said former Aerosmith singer, Steven Tyler. "We’re coming your way and rocking your world. Look out baby, ’cause here we go again!”
Apparently the squabbling is over, the hatchet has been buried and "everything is going to be set at 11.”
Guitarist Joe Perry was all a-twitter when he posted "Yes Its Aerosmith with all original members Tom, Brad, Steven, Joey and myself. Locked Cocked and Ready to Rock," on his AdmiralPerry twitter account.
Joe also tweeted, "Its great to have Steven back and the band up and rolling. I never left."
Emphasis, I never left.
Unlike when 10,000 of us we're left holding tickets to Bone Bash 10 last summer when they bailed.
You guys still owe us one. We're Cocked, Locked, and Ready to Rock around here.
2-25-10
TONYA HARDING BACK AT IT?
Ever since Tonya Harding had her figure skating rival, Nancy Kerrigan, whacked on the knee at the US Figure Skating Championships, we've been wondering when Trashy Tonya would strike again.
Since that fateful day 16 years ago, Tonya Harding has been in a band that were booed off the stage in their only performance, used mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to help revive an 81-year-old woman who collapsed at a bar while playing video poker and won three fights and lost three fights in a brief pro boxing career.
A convicted felon, she's had a number of run-ins with the law including a couple of DUI's, domestic violence assaults on two different live-in boyfriends including punching and throwing a hubcap at him.
That, and Tonya once claimed she was abducted at knife-point outside her home by a bushy-haired man who forced her to drive to a rural area, where she rammed her truck into a tree and escaped by running into the woods.
Now this poor woman at the Olympics on Tuesday night shows up with a bloody nose during her short program!
Tonya Maxene Harding is back in business.............bwaaaaahhhhhaaaa!!
2-24-10
EDDIE FISHER IN A BERKELEY BAKERY
Just getting word that the great crooner from the 50's, Eddie Fisher, has been living in Berkeley and, according to his daughter Carrie (Princess Leia from Star Wars), is "kind of losing it," tweeting that it was not a surprise since he "shot speed (for) 13 (years)."
Eddie Fisher, now 81 and confined to a wheelchair, thinks he is locked in a bakery and needs to attend a charity fundraiser that he has organized with President Obama and a famous baseball player, his daughter said.
Good thing he's in Berkeley.
In the early 1950s, Eddie Fisher was a chart-topping teen idol before rock 'n' roll and scandal ruined his career. He left Debbie Reynolds, Carrie's mother and the first of his five wives, to marry his best friend's widow, Elizabeth Taylor.
Now there's a woman who knows her way up and down the aisle. Liz Taylor has been married eight times to seven husbands. Eddie Fisher was #4.
Btw, Eddie wrote a scandalous autobiography in 1999 titled Been There, Done That. Upon publication, the aforementioned daughter Carrie declared: "That's it. I'm having my DNA fumigated."
2-23-10
GRUESOME TWOSOME
Hey look at this - two of my favorite rockers ever - Rob Zombie and Alice Cooper will soon be touring together for the first time!
"The dream or the nightmare comes true!” Zombie said. “Me and The Coop have been talking about touring together for the last 15 years and finally the moment is here."
Excellent. Bring on the poison syringes, at least one impaling, a hanging and a beheading or two.
Alice Cooper added, "I'm looking forward to theses concerts with Rob. It's sort of like Dracula vs. Frankenstein. We're like this generation's classic monsters."
"Rob had always been a big Alice fan," Cooper says of the unlikely collaboration. "I found out that he's a big fan and a big collector of Alice paraphernalia. And when I asked him to work on the show he said he had so many great ideas."
Sorry to report, no California shows for the Gruesome Twosome.
2-22-10
WHAT'S THAT?
I said, PETE TOWNSEND MAY HAVE TO QUIT THE WHO IF HIS TINNITUS KEEPS ACTING UP!
"If my hearing is going to be a problem, we're not delaying shows, we're finished," he revealed. "I can't really see any way around the issue."
About one in five people between 55 and 65 years old report tinnitus symptoms. Pete is almost 65.
Townshend did say that he will be testing a new in-ear monitoring system for The Who's Teenage Cancer Trust gig at London's Royal Albert Hall, to help alleviate the problem.
If that doesn't work, he'll just get old before he dies.
2-19-10
CRAZY TRAIN SET YOU GOT THERE
Thought Rod Stewart was too sexy for model trains? What about Johnny Cash? Or Bruce Springsteen or Sebastian Bach? Or the greatest model train dude on the planet, Neil Young?
These guys aren't just weirdo's locked in their basements all day with their little train sets.
Ok maybe they are, but collecting model trains is one of the most popular hobbies out there.
Neil Young once had a 20% stake in Lionel Trains and has a huge collection of vintage model trains up at his ranch on Skyline.
Rod Stewart has a massive 23 x 124-foot "Three Rivers City" train layout that was featured on the cover of Model Railroader Magazine in 2007. Rod the Railroader said, "I pity a man who doesn't have a hobby like this one."
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train.
-Ozzy, 1980
2-18-10
WHAT....NOW HE'S BACK?
Steven Tyler? Really?
We were actually looking forward to seeing David Bowie as the new lead singer for Aerosmith, but apparently, not to be.
The word is that Aerosmith has signed on to co-headline Britain's Download festival in June, and Steven Tyler is expected to be part of the show.
Should be a real extravaganza with AC/DC, Rage Against the Machine, Them Crooked Vultures, Motorhead and Megadeth.
Oh that's right. Aerosmith, too.
The band that owes the Bay Area a Bone Bash.
2-10-10
METRICULATION
So I got sucked into that old argument about the United States being one of only three nations in the world (the other two being Liberia and Burma) which clings to its outmoded system of measurement, failing to get on board with the rest of the world and using the metric system.
You feel like an idiot while traveling in a foreign country when you can't figure out that litre-thingy they got going on. Trust me - you sound more like a douchebag because you can't speak their language. Just fill the tank and hand them your credit card.
My position on the subject is, "why use a 7mm socket when you can use a 9/32?"
My doctor friend, Doc Daneeka, claims that it's "not an argument about superiority. It boils down to an argument about convenience. Metric is more convenient for many purposes because interconversion between units is often simpler. That's really all there is to it."
Then, after our third Dos Equis, TheHighlandHowler (he's a high school science teacher) chimed in, "I can attest that my students have no comprehension of any system of measurement."
Yeah, but I'll bet a lot of them have the ounce to grams conversion down.
28.349, right?
2-9-10
SOME FUN TONIGHT
I was reading a review of a new biography of legendary 50's rocker, Little Richard. The author is especially intrigued by Little Richard's golden oldie hit, Tutti Frutti, recorded in New Orleans in 1955.
Tutti Frutti, David Kirby maintains, is “a seminal text in American culture, as much as Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Song of Myself and the great documents of the civil rights era are. In a sense, it’s America’s Other National Anthem.”
Wow! A song about butt-lovin' is "America’s Other National Anthem"??
Btw, Little Richard himself told Craig Ferguson on The Late Late Show that Tutti Frutti was about anal sex, so it's gotta be true, right?
The line, "Tutti Frutti, aw Rudi" used to be "Tutti Frutti, Loose Booty" before it was, shall we say, 'cleaned up for the radio audience.'
Btw (again) Little Richard wasn't the only 50's rocker to be talkin' the anal. What about the great Elvis Presley's Jailhouse Rock?
Number forty-seven said to number three: "You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see.
I sure would be delighted with your company, come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me."
.....and don't get me started on Great Balls Of Fire.
2-8-10
DAT HEAD 'O MINE HURTS
Good game both teams. Congrats New Orleans.
Tony Dungy was only half right. The final score wasn't that close.
Good thing the Colts rested their starters at the end of the regular season.
And how 'bout that tribute band playing all those Who classics at halftime?
Da Ain'ts ain't dat no mo......
2-5-09
KNOW YOUR ENEMY
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
2-4-10
BASH THIS, BROTHER!
Here's what former baseball player/admitted steroid cheat/amateur fight promoter Jose Canseco tweeted (324,866 followers) a couple of days ago: "I guess I may have to show Herschel Walker who the real bad Boy of the Sports industry is. If the powers that be are reading, I want in."
That would be former Heisman Trophy winning running back Herschel Walker, owner of a fifth-degree black belt in tae kwon do, whom Mr Canseco just called out.
Walker, who just won his mixed martial arts debut (see video above) responded to Canseco's cage-fight offer, "Jose wants to do this for money. My thing is, if he wants to fight me and he thinks it's going to be a circus, I will hurt him. This is not a joke, I will hurt him, because I don't do things as a joke. I don't do this as entertainment."
Maybe Canseco also doesn't realize that Herschel Walker is the kind of guy who would play college football games on Saturday and then compete in martial arts tournaments on Sunday after church, and, to this day, still performs 2,500 sit-ups and 1,500 push ups every morning.
Canseco, who claims to have earned black belts in Kung Fu and Taekwondo, lost his mixed martial arts debut in the first round against 7'2" K-1 fighter and occasional mixed martial artist Hong Man Choi as part of the "Super Hulk Tournament."
No contest. Canseco gets bashed.
2-3-10
SEXUAL VEGETABLE ABUSE
DALLAS - (FlashNews) – Every night, thousands of vegetables are abused by horny Americans.
Sex toy company Sara’s Secret is on a mission to end the abuse of innocent vegetables by sexually frustrated citizens who haven’t been introduced to the wonders of sex toys with their Stop Vegetable Abuse campaign.
Apparently, people are having alone time with their produce instead of simply buying sex toys and it’s not right.
Spokesperson Gary Krupkin says, “It’s a long, simmering problem in our society. Political correctness demands that we address vegetable abuse in all forms. Nobody wants to hurt vegetables, yet every night they are abused.”
Though cucumbers are the spokesveggie for the cause Krupkin laments that other foods, like bananas and rutabagas, are equally abused.
Their billboards and campaign ads have caused controversy in Texas, but Krupkin says it’s all worth it if it ends the pain.
2-2-10
STOP IN THE NAME OF TYLER
This thing with Steven Tyler of Aerosmith is getting pretty pathetic.
Apparently Tyler’s new manager has sent a letter to Aerosmith’s management threatening legal action if they make good on their promise to tour with a new singer. "Steven is Aerosmith, along with the others. He’s the guy the public knows. He’s the singer," says "manager" Skip Miller.
Ok, then tell your guy to shut up and get back to work. He does have a few concerts to make good on, you know. Especially a little 10th anniversary party he missed last Summer called Bone Bash X.
Besides, if Steven Tyler says they can't replace him, then Aerosmith should sue Steven Tyler for failure to perform. You know, work stoppage?
It's getting near the end, Steven. Don't make it ugly.
2-1-10
BONE-I-FIED GRAMMY WINNERS FROM LAST NIGHT'S AWARDS SHOW
Best Solo Rock Performance: Working on a Dream — Bruce Springsteen
Best Rock Album: 21st Century Breakdown — Green Day
Best Hard Rock Performance: War Machine — AC/DC
Best Rock Instrumental Performance: A Day in the Life — Jeff Beck
Best Contemporary Blues Album: Already Free — The Derek Trucks Band
Best Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package: Neil Young Archives Vol. I (1963-1972) — Gary Burden, Jenice Heo & Neil Young, art directors
Best Long Form Music Video: The Beatles Love – All Together Now — Various Artists
Best Comedy Album: A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All! — Stephen Colbert
Click here to view past blogs from Steven...
3-12-10
WHAT'S YOUR SIGN......WORTH?
Everybody knows that the bigger your bank account, the better your chance of getting laid.
Now there's a Canadian company called Customreceipts.com where they "Print the finest fake ATM receipts available, with your custom information on them."
They even give advice on how to, you know, close the deal. "Trying to impress that hottie at the bar? Money talks. Hand out your number on the back of one of our fake ATM receipts. They’re a players dream come true."
Abother word of advice on your fake ATM reciept, "Choose more realistic balances – $70,000 to $300,000 work best, though some people like to pretend they’re millionaires."
Exactly.
You'd be outed in a heartbeat the moment she gets a look at your '89 Corolla.
3-11-10
LOST BOY
Corey Haim, the teenage star of the 1987 cult hit The Lost Boys, which was filmed in Santa Cruz, died yesterday at the age of 38. The LA Times reported that he probably OD'd on prescription drugs.
Even more tragic is the fact that Corey was approached recently by VH1's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew to appear on the show.
When the producers called, they said he was "extremely defensive and insulted, saying, 'It's the last show I'd ever do.'"
Apparently the conversation ended with Corey Haim saying, "I do not need help."
Exit light. Enter night.
3-10-10
THE NUMBER OF THE BEST DAY OF THE YEAR!
I really want to thank Bruce Dickinson and all the guys in Iron Maiden for consulting with me about the routing of their upcoming "The Final Frontier" World Tour and inevitably agreeing to play a concert here in the Bay Area on my birthday as a very special Maiden birthday present to the Weedman.
No really, guys.....thank you so much.
So clear your calendar for Sunday June 20th, Eddie the 'Edd will be accompanying Iron Maiden with Dream Theatre opening at Sleep Train Pavillion, Concord.
Also on the way this summer, look for the Maidens' 15th studio album to appear with a rather foreboding and somewhat ominous title of The Final Frontier.
Could this be an announcement of the end for Iron Maiden?
Woe to you O earth and sea for the Devil sends the beast with wrath because he knows the time is short
-Book of Revelations, Chapter 12, Verse 12
3-9-10
STOP IN THE NAME OF WOOD
Ron Wood of the Rolling Stones can't stop himself. From drinking or from getting married.
Ronnie, 62, is reportedly planning to marry his 30-year-old girlfriend Ana Araujo this summer.
But wait. What about the Russian cocktail waitress, Ekaterina Ivanova, variously reported to be between 18 and 21 years old at the time, whom he left his wife for in '08?
She, who after they split up following a domestic violence incident involving the police, asserted that at his worst Ronnie drunk up to a quart of booze a day, took cocaine and chained smoked up to 50 cigarettes.
And she wants him back.
Apparently the Roving Stone guitarist was actually involved in a love triangle involving not only the lovely Ms. Ivanova but the even more lovely Ms. Araujo as well.
My London spy says, "Ronnie now thinks Ana could be the woman to make a life with. She's such a positive influence on him and they've very relaxed in each other's company. They're happy enjoying the simple things in life like staying in, making meals and watching films.
"He couldn't be happier and there's already talk of them getting married as early as this summer."
Of course she's marrying for love. It has nothing to do with having more money than she could spend in her lifetime.
Somebody stop this guy!
Some girls take my money, some girls take my clothes
Some girls get the shirt off my back, and leave me with a lethal dose
-Jagger/Richards, 1978
3-8-10
HEY YOU......THE WALL IS BACK UP
The current juicy internet rumor concerning Pink Floyd is that Roger Waters is gearing up for a 2010 tour of The Wall.
“We are doing the sums for a full scale tour,” he told MOJO magazine.
It was 30 years ago that The Wall was released and it is 19 years since he has ever performed it – the last time being when the Berlin Wall came down.
Hugely successful from the start, The Wall was the best selling album of 1980 in the US. It is one of the best-selling double albums of all time, although I've always said it should have been half the length.
Recently my friend and sometimes PF hater, Ishkur, told me that The Wall "is a bloated, turgid piece of crap," claiming that "It hasn't aged well," while adding a final beat down, "One-half dimestore psychology, the other half whiny narcissism, the Wall was a championship opus in self-absorption."
I'm only going if David Gilmour shows up.
Open your heart, I'm coming home.
- Roger Waters, 1980
3-5-10
SLIDE THAT SLIPSTICK IN
Happy Birthday to the great English mathematician/inventor, William Oughtred, born on this date in that historic year of 1574.
At the age of 48 Mr. Oughtred, with an interest in the occult and a skepticism of astrology, became the inventor of the most commonly used calculation tool in science and engineering, the slide rule.
Also known on the street as a "slipstick", the slide rule is a mechanical analog computer which, until the advent of the pocket calculator, was a necessary accessory for any self-respecting mathematician who didn't want to spend days on end figuring out their roots and logarithms and trigonometry and stuff.
I'm gonna slide it in
Right to the top
-David Coverdale, 1984
3-4-10
WARRANT ISSUED FOR WARRANT SINGER
Jani Lane, former lead singer for Warrant and the man responsible for the song Cherry Pie, has now missed two court appearances and the judge would like to have a word with him.
If you're wondering what warranted the Warrant warrant, it was all connected to his 2009 DUI conviction where Mr. Lane allegedly hit a parked car in Los Angeles, refused to take a sobriety test, was charged with driving under the influence and hit-and-run and pleaded no contest.
He was due to serve 36 months probation, complete 3 months of alcohol education classes and perform 30 days of Caltrans road work.
Btw, Jani Lane's real name is John Kennedy Oswald. Really.
His parents changed it to "John Patrick Oswald" after getting complaints, but his birth certificate still states his original name.
John Kennedy Oswald, please report to work at Caltrans immediately.
3-3-10
STRAT HEAVEN
At age 7, Stevie Ray Vaughan acquired his first guitar, a Sears toy guitar with only three strings.
He got his first electric guitar, a hand-me-down from his older brother, Jimmie Vaughan.
In March 1974, Stevie Ray found a battered and beat-up 1963 Fender Stratocaster at a music store in Austin.
It would remain his favorite guitar for the rest of his life.
He dubbed it Number One.
Two years after he was killed in a helicopter crash, Stevie Ray Vaughan earned a Grammy for Best Rock Instrumental Performance for Little Wing, a Jimi Hendrix classic.
To watch an absolutely spectacular video of Stevie Ray performing Little Wing (as an instrumental), click on my Video of the Day, above.
SILVER
11/1/91 - 3/1/10
3-1-10
THAT ANNOYING WOMAN IN YOUR GPS MACHINE IDENTIFIED
And she's a smokin' hot blonde woman from Australia.
Karen Jacobsen, the world's most notorious back seat driver, has been identified as the voice of worldwide Global Positioning Systems.
All of a sudden I feel a little embarrassed seeing the person I've sworn at so many times after she keeps insisting that I "Please drive to highlighted route!"
Back in 2002, Ms Jacobsen, who lives in New York, got an offer for a voiceover job, with some very specific qualifications.
''They were looking for a native Australian, female voiceover artist living in the north east of the United States,'' she said.
''I went along with the audition and got the job on the spot and before I knew it I was recording over 50 hours of script to create this voice system that has ended up in millions of cars all around the world.''
I always thought she was a bit demanding when she barked out her orders, but now that I've seen what a babe she is, I'm rethinking my relationship with her.
Never mind that she seems to show a bit of disappointment in me when she says "Recalculating Route."
Thank you, Karen Jacobsen. You make me want to be a better person.
-XOXO
p.s. - That's her singing the National Anthem at a Red Sox game on my Video of the Day, above.
2-26-10
AEROSMITH SINGER AUDITIONS GOING WELL.....THEY FOUND SOMEBODY!
“I just auditioned and I got the gig," said former Aerosmith singer, Steven Tyler. "We’re coming your way and rocking your world. Look out baby, ’cause here we go again!”
Apparently the squabbling is over, the hatchet has been buried and "everything is going to be set at 11.”
Guitarist Joe Perry was all a-twitter when he posted "Yes Its Aerosmith with all original members Tom, Brad, Steven, Joey and myself. Locked Cocked and Ready to Rock," on his AdmiralPerry twitter account.
Joe also tweeted, "Its great to have Steven back and the band up and rolling. I never left."
Emphasis, I never left.
Unlike when 10,000 of us we're left holding tickets to Bone Bash 10 last summer when they bailed.
You guys still owe us one. We're Cocked, Locked, and Ready to Rock around here.
2-25-10
TONYA HARDING BACK AT IT?
Ever since Tonya Harding had her figure skating rival, Nancy Kerrigan, whacked on the knee at the US Figure Skating Championships, we've been wondering when Trashy Tonya would strike again.
Since that fateful day 16 years ago, Tonya Harding has been in a band that were booed off the stage in their only performance, used mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to help revive an 81-year-old woman who collapsed at a bar while playing video poker and won three fights and lost three fights in a brief pro boxing career.
A convicted felon, she's had a number of run-ins with the law including a couple of DUI's, domestic violence assaults on two different live-in boyfriends including punching and throwing a hubcap at him.
That, and Tonya once claimed she was abducted at knife-point outside her home by a bushy-haired man who forced her to drive to a rural area, where she rammed her truck into a tree and escaped by running into the woods.
Now this poor woman at the Olympics on Tuesday night shows up with a bloody nose during her short program!
Tonya Maxene Harding is back in business.............bwaaaaahhhhhaaaa!!
2-24-10
EDDIE FISHER IN A BERKELEY BAKERY
Just getting word that the great crooner from the 50's, Eddie Fisher, has been living in Berkeley and, according to his daughter Carrie (Princess Leia from Star Wars), is "kind of losing it," tweeting that it was not a surprise since he "shot speed (for) 13 (years)."
Eddie Fisher, now 81 and confined to a wheelchair, thinks he is locked in a bakery and needs to attend a charity fundraiser that he has organized with President Obama and a famous baseball player, his daughter said.
Good thing he's in Berkeley.
In the early 1950s, Eddie Fisher was a chart-topping teen idol before rock 'n' roll and scandal ruined his career. He left Debbie Reynolds, Carrie's mother and the first of his five wives, to marry his best friend's widow, Elizabeth Taylor.
Now there's a woman who knows her way up and down the aisle. Liz Taylor has been married eight times to seven husbands. Eddie Fisher was #4.
Btw, Eddie wrote a scandalous autobiography in 1999 titled Been There, Done That. Upon publication, the aforementioned daughter Carrie declared: "That's it. I'm having my DNA fumigated."
2-23-10
GRUESOME TWOSOME
Hey look at this - two of my favorite rockers ever - Rob Zombie and Alice Cooper will soon be touring together for the first time!
"The dream or the nightmare comes true!” Zombie said. “Me and The Coop have been talking about touring together for the last 15 years and finally the moment is here."
Excellent. Bring on the poison syringes, at least one impaling, a hanging and a beheading or two.
Alice Cooper added, "I'm looking forward to theses concerts with Rob. It's sort of like Dracula vs. Frankenstein. We're like this generation's classic monsters."
"Rob had always been a big Alice fan," Cooper says of the unlikely collaboration. "I found out that he's a big fan and a big collector of Alice paraphernalia. And when I asked him to work on the show he said he had so many great ideas."
Sorry to report, no California shows for the Gruesome Twosome.
2-22-10
WHAT'S THAT?
I said, PETE TOWNSEND MAY HAVE TO QUIT THE WHO IF HIS TINNITUS KEEPS ACTING UP!
"If my hearing is going to be a problem, we're not delaying shows, we're finished," he revealed. "I can't really see any way around the issue."
About one in five people between 55 and 65 years old report tinnitus symptoms. Pete is almost 65.
Townshend did say that he will be testing a new in-ear monitoring system for The Who's Teenage Cancer Trust gig at London's Royal Albert Hall, to help alleviate the problem.
If that doesn't work, he'll just get old before he dies.
2-19-10
CRAZY TRAIN SET YOU GOT THERE
Thought Rod Stewart was too sexy for model trains? What about Johnny Cash? Or Bruce Springsteen or Sebastian Bach? Or the greatest model train dude on the planet, Neil Young?
These guys aren't just weirdo's locked in their basements all day with their little train sets.
Ok maybe they are, but collecting model trains is one of the most popular hobbies out there.
Neil Young once had a 20% stake in Lionel Trains and has a huge collection of vintage model trains up at his ranch on Skyline.
Rod Stewart has a massive 23 x 124-foot "Three Rivers City" train layout that was featured on the cover of Model Railroader Magazine in 2007. Rod the Railroader said, "I pity a man who doesn't have a hobby like this one."
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train.
-Ozzy, 1980
2-18-10
WHAT....NOW HE'S BACK?
Steven Tyler? Really?
We were actually looking forward to seeing David Bowie as the new lead singer for Aerosmith, but apparently, not to be.
The word is that Aerosmith has signed on to co-headline Britain's Download festival in June, and Steven Tyler is expected to be part of the show.
Should be a real extravaganza with AC/DC, Rage Against the Machine, Them Crooked Vultures, Motorhead and Megadeth.
Oh that's right. Aerosmith, too.
The band that owes the Bay Area a Bone Bash.
2-10-10
METRICULATION
So I got sucked into that old argument about the United States being one of only three nations in the world (the other two being Liberia and Burma) which clings to its outmoded system of measurement, failing to get on board with the rest of the world and using the metric system.
You feel like an idiot while traveling in a foreign country when you can't figure out that litre-thingy they got going on. Trust me - you sound more like a douchebag because you can't speak their language. Just fill the tank and hand them your credit card.
My position on the subject is, "why use a 7mm socket when you can use a 9/32?"
My doctor friend, Doc Daneeka, claims that it's "not an argument about superiority. It boils down to an argument about convenience. Metric is more convenient for many purposes because interconversion between units is often simpler. That's really all there is to it."
Then, after our third Dos Equis, TheHighlandHowler (he's a high school science teacher) chimed in, "I can attest that my students have no comprehension of any system of measurement."
Yeah, but I'll bet a lot of them have the ounce to grams conversion down.
28.349, right?
2-9-10
SOME FUN TONIGHT
I was reading a review of a new biography of legendary 50's rocker, Little Richard. The author is especially intrigued by Little Richard's golden oldie hit, Tutti Frutti, recorded in New Orleans in 1955.
Tutti Frutti, David Kirby maintains, is “a seminal text in American culture, as much as Uncle Tom’s Cabin, Song of Myself and the great documents of the civil rights era are. In a sense, it’s America’s Other National Anthem.”
Wow! A song about butt-lovin' is "America’s Other National Anthem"??
Btw, Little Richard himself told Craig Ferguson on The Late Late Show that Tutti Frutti was about anal sex, so it's gotta be true, right?
The line, "Tutti Frutti, aw Rudi" used to be "Tutti Frutti, Loose Booty" before it was, shall we say, 'cleaned up for the radio audience.'
Btw (again) Little Richard wasn't the only 50's rocker to be talkin' the anal. What about the great Elvis Presley's Jailhouse Rock?
Number forty-seven said to number three: "You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see.
I sure would be delighted with your company, come on and do the Jailhouse Rock with me."
.....and don't get me started on Great Balls Of Fire.
2-8-10
DAT HEAD 'O MINE HURTS
Good game both teams. Congrats New Orleans.
Tony Dungy was only half right. The final score wasn't that close.
Good thing the Colts rested their starters at the end of the regular season.
And how 'bout that tribute band playing all those Who classics at halftime?
Da Ain'ts ain't dat no mo......
2-5-09
KNOW YOUR ENEMY
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty percent held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."
2-4-10
BASH THIS, BROTHER!
Here's what former baseball player/admitted steroid cheat/amateur fight promoter Jose Canseco tweeted (324,866 followers) a couple of days ago: "I guess I may have to show Herschel Walker who the real bad Boy of the Sports industry is. If the powers that be are reading, I want in."
That would be former Heisman Trophy winning running back Herschel Walker, owner of a fifth-degree black belt in tae kwon do, whom Mr Canseco just called out.
Walker, who just won his mixed martial arts debut (see video above) responded to Canseco's cage-fight offer, "Jose wants to do this for money. My thing is, if he wants to fight me and he thinks it's going to be a circus, I will hurt him. This is not a joke, I will hurt him, because I don't do things as a joke. I don't do this as entertainment."
Maybe Canseco also doesn't realize that Herschel Walker is the kind of guy who would play college football games on Saturday and then compete in martial arts tournaments on Sunday after church, and, to this day, still performs 2,500 sit-ups and 1,500 push ups every morning.
Canseco, who claims to have earned black belts in Kung Fu and Taekwondo, lost his mixed martial arts debut in the first round against 7'2" K-1 fighter and occasional mixed martial artist Hong Man Choi as part of the "Super Hulk Tournament."
No contest. Canseco gets bashed.
2-3-10
SEXUAL VEGETABLE ABUSE
DALLAS - (FlashNews) – Every night, thousands of vegetables are abused by horny Americans.
Sex toy company Sara’s Secret is on a mission to end the abuse of innocent vegetables by sexually frustrated citizens who haven’t been introduced to the wonders of sex toys with their Stop Vegetable Abuse campaign.
Apparently, people are having alone time with their produce instead of simply buying sex toys and it’s not right.
Spokesperson Gary Krupkin says, “It’s a long, simmering problem in our society. Political correctness demands that we address vegetable abuse in all forms. Nobody wants to hurt vegetables, yet every night they are abused.”
Though cucumbers are the spokesveggie for the cause Krupkin laments that other foods, like bananas and rutabagas, are equally abused.
Their billboards and campaign ads have caused controversy in Texas, but Krupkin says it’s all worth it if it ends the pain.
2-2-10
STOP IN THE NAME OF TYLER
This thing with Steven Tyler of Aerosmith is getting pretty pathetic.
Apparently Tyler’s new manager has sent a letter to Aerosmith’s management threatening legal action if they make good on their promise to tour with a new singer. "Steven is Aerosmith, along with the others. He’s the guy the public knows. He’s the singer," says "manager" Skip Miller.
Ok, then tell your guy to shut up and get back to work. He does have a few concerts to make good on, you know. Especially a little 10th anniversary party he missed last Summer called Bone Bash X.
Besides, if Steven Tyler says they can't replace him, then Aerosmith should sue Steven Tyler for failure to perform. You know, work stoppage?
It's getting near the end, Steven. Don't make it ugly.
2-1-10
BONE-I-FIED GRAMMY WINNERS FROM LAST NIGHT'S AWARDS SHOW
Best Solo Rock Performance: Working on a Dream — Bruce Springsteen
Best Rock Album: 21st Century Breakdown — Green Day
Best Hard Rock Performance: War Machine — AC/DC
Best Rock Instrumental Performance: A Day in the Life — Jeff Beck
Best Contemporary Blues Album: Already Free — The Derek Trucks Band
Best Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package: Neil Young Archives Vol. I (1963-1972) — Gary Burden, Jenice Heo & Neil Young, art directors
Best Long Form Music Video: The Beatles Love – All Together Now — Various Artists
Best Comedy Album: A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All! — Stephen Colbert
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